I'm not really a survivor. I haven't earned that title yet but before I explain this post involves submitted by
-Self harm -Sexual abuse (obviously) -Physical abuse -Emotional and Physiological pain, manipulation. -Dark web use/bitcoin yada yada -Underage porn/nudes etc.
If YOU or anyone else is sensitive to these things PLEASE click off and read something else.
I consider myself to be sexually abused, but not in the ways you might think. So of all places, I've come to the fire of the internet, reddit.
Okay, so I'm going to give relatively the shortest summary of my 3 years of going through this CURRENTLY as I can.
I am on another community app called Amino - Communties and chats. Where people can go into live chatrooms, create posts, do forums, polls etc.
It seems like a dream for any young teen like me who's been bullied most of her life and has no friends. It became my escape, but now, it seems more like a prison I can never get out of.
At the start I met this guy called darklord, (his username) I have his real name, his face, his address and phone number, but I will not be exposing him, because I still have respect for him, but he doesn't have a slither of it for me.
I met him in private messages after someone introduced me to him. And he tried to get me into a contract where I would be considered a "dog" and I won't have no rights as a person and I would be seen literal trash made to do whatever he said. I saw that in the contract, despite him trying to sugarcoat it. I declined it originally. I wanted nothing to do with this person.
Then later on down the line he got his other male friends to gang up on me, and threaten me with my IP address, and convinced me to believe that I was at a real threat, I was freshly 15, and had no knowledge about IP addresses, or anything of the sort, I was told I had to be in a contract otherwise they would leak all my personal information and one of the males threatening me lived in the same country and was going to hurt me.
I did as he said and signed the contract, and he made me do things I didn't want to do, and made me believe I didn't have a choice, SO I sent him nude images, keep in mind that this person is an adult, and knows what hes doing, he was passed the age of 18 at the time, but he never told me anything significant about him, at the time, so I didn't know his age.
I had no idea that he had saved the images at all. And later on down the line I ended breaking the contract because he would degrade me in public, along with several other members in the community, the community had over 2 million people and the most relevant people there would constantly ruin me, saving images of my face without my knowledge and degrading it behind my back and making others hate me.
Throughout this time I started to notice it wasnt just me in these harmful manipulative contracts. They're several young girls in these contracts. Some even younger than me. Doing the exact same things. And my self worth started to plummet, I was taken out of school during this time because my bullies got physical. Way too physical, and my mum was frightened for my health and safety. So with nothing to distract me from the abuse I was getting online, and it being the only place were I could talk to others, the saying pops in my head;
"Any attention is good attention"
In my case, any person who paid interest in me, was a good thing, because all my life I've never had freinds, and it made me a massive people pleaser and very vunderable.
So throughout that time, I kept trying to please those people who would laugh at me, tease me, and meeting people who had already had a tarnished view of me from other people's words. This really started messing with my self esteem, I didn't notice it at first, because of my bullying, I already had a bad self esteem.
Slowly, I started to lose my passions, everything that made me unique. Like art, food became tasteless, I joined to a new all girls grammar school after seven months of dealing with emotional abuse, school was pushed aside, I started to skip school, I developed a harsh flaring temper that could trigger any second even now towards my loved ones.
Girls at school started to hate me because I wouldn't work. I'd never want to wake up in the morning, I would stall for aslong as I possibly could, and constantly be late. The teachers and students made it a kinda reputation for me and I became the "bad egg" of the students. But they didnt understand, no one did. I started to skip school, my anxiety became worse, way worse, I'd sit down in classes and have break downs if work needed to be asked of me, cause I knew I haven't done it, that app became my life. All day at school I'd think about amino, constantly. You wouldn't catch me paying attention in lessons, all I did was sing, and write song lyrics. It used to make the teachers really mad, and I could understand that.
With no one understanding me, I kept to myself, with the app, like a drug.
I started to isolate myself, from my parents, everyone, I wouldn't tell anyone anything, and I still don't.
I spent most of my time in the behavioural support room, because I'd have anxiety break downs, and my feelings were constantly a rollercoaster. This time early this year was nearing to GCSE's and I didnt know what actually happened to me was abuse, so I chalked my sadness up to insecurities, and lack of motivation because my grades dropped so badly from being out of school, I'd missed a crucial whole year of content.
I kept trying to slow down time to figure out the real problem, but I couldn't, I was walking around trapped inside a dead body. I didn't feel alive. I put a mask to all the students that I didn't care. And it ultimately hurt me more. I couldn't slow down my GCSE's I couldn't start again, that ruined me for a long while.
On the app, I tried to stop darklord from hurting someone else who I thought had my back, but, darklord found out it was me that warned him. And, he exposed my nude pictures to everyone, My face was reduced to nothing from that day, everyone had it.
I feel violated, disgusting, and not human, I feel horrible, and the worst human alive, I've never known people to be so cruel, this cruel before.
If I I didn't feel dead before, I definitely felt dead now. The person I tried to protect laughed in my face, and strung me along for a while, and developed my bad temper, and took credit for it like it was a good thing, he was a narcissist and a deceitful liar.
I went off the app for a while, then created a youtube account. In the youtube account I felt ready enough to break my silence. In the video, I talked about my experience on the app, and told my story, and warned people about doing and falling for what I did.
One night, the video got over 200+ views. But not by random people, they were people from darklord's group, he had a massive group of people that had influence around the entire amino. Everyone knew them, so when they found it, they showed it in a screening room full of people, and ridiculed it for all to see, showing my face, making fun of me, and laughing at what happened to me like a funny joke.
That night I received so many hate comments, death threats, and other mean things, that ultimately made me fall into going back onto the app.
When I went back on it, I was ridiculed and looked down on as a literal dog, everyone hated me, people WHO I didn't even know treated me like absolute shit. I dont feel human anymore.
And now I found out that they
-Self underage nudes through bitcoin -Steal bitcoin accounts (dont know if that's considered Identity theft) -Gets others, minors to slit their wrists through threats -Have caused suicides. -And are possibly doing worse to others than me.
It kills me everyday knowing that I've gone through this and can never speak out to anyone because I feel so ashamed. I'm afraid, because I want to be a famous singer when I'm older, and I feel like I've ruined everything, and everything's my fault, and I was meant to be hated since I was born. My face aren't in the nudes, but that doesnt matter, I feel violated, and exposed and disgusting.
My soul and heart are in those pictures
And I can never get them back,
They're still doing this disgusting acts and getting away with it, even having all their information, I'm not in their country, so I cant do anything, plus I sont want my family knowing about this because I feel like a disgrace.
Please help me.
Thanks for reading.
Finals are going to span from tomorrow afternoon until the 5th of May, so I will just use this as a vent thread and keep updating it rather than do a several-part series on finals or anything like that.
I hand-write out all of my planners. I get those 100 page composition books from the dollar store. Every day gets a page with hours written down the left margin from 9 am till 12 pm. Each book has three months worth of pages. When a day ends, I alternatively fold in the top and bottom corners and it kind of acts like a book mark so I can immediately flip to the current day as time goes on...
This is an obsession. I will open my planner and flip through the pages and write in my class schedule and appointments and reminders and the "expected to-do lists". I've been doing this since March of last year. I now have 4 composition books stashed away in a drawer filled with folded pages and those day-to-day notes and the list of expectations I had for myself on any given day. My steady print. My lawyer-in-training cursive. Sometimes a rare quick poem that escaped from the chemical restraints of my meds.
And always at the end of every semester, in big ALL-CAPS printing, surrounded by a rectangle:
TORTS FINAL 6:30-9:30 PM
SALES FINAL 10:00 AM- 1:00 PM
And here we are again, rectangled all-caps scribbles. Together, again. For the last time.
Usually, you'll have a designated "finals week" (which tends to span 2-3 weeks). All the finals fall into that timespan and if you're a lucky duck, each exam will be at least a couple days apart.
But why let a graduating third year enjoy that kind of luxury? Naww...
My first final is a take-home which will be sent out Thursday and turned in Saturday night. Then an in-class final Monday night (preceded by a 10-minute topical oral presentation in another class).
Then we get this nice teeny tiny little break they call "Reading week". But it's not a week. It's about 3 days.
May 2: Final. May 4: Final. May 5: Final.
(Mind you, the "finals week" is schedule to go until about May 17 or so. Oof.)
So I'm about to jump into a sea of sharks.
I go into stockholm syndrome mode. The law is my captor and I love him. I study him. I know and memorize all of his nooks and crannies. When I'm ready to tell the world, I write his life story (my outlines-- usually from memory) on whiteboard stretching across the classrooms.
...aaaaaaaand then I take the exam and forget about him forever [unless a) it ends up being a bar tested subject and I'll be learning it again this summer or b) it's a law subject I want to pursue a career in].
And tonight's the night before it all starts. It's like waiting in that three-hour line for a roller coaster and you're finally gonna go next.
So I will be taking a cruise to Stockholm very soon. I'll try to write home when I can... Update 4/23 Afternoon:
Got my assignment for my take-home final. I wish I can indulge some info on it, but 1) don't want to say anything that would be risk me being identified here and 2) our school does anonymous grading. So wouldn't want #1 to lead to flopping that up.
But I am excited about it. I do have a class in about 30 minutes so I can't jump on the project yet, but I will have all day tomorrow and most of the day Saturday. Whee!
After picking up this assignment prompt and walking outside, my Nate Reuss-lyic-singing friend was out here singing a few lines of "Carry On" by fun. I peeked over the wall to see if he was close enough so I could join him.. he was quite a ways away and just sort of stopped singing, so I just returned to my sitting spot. But it was a nice voice to hear and a nice moment of that bipolar-Nate Reuss Lyrics bonding lol. Update: 4/24 Early Evening:
Woke up relatively early (9:30) and did a chunk of research to start compiling the things I need for this take-home final. Took a needed nap at around 1-3 pm. Got back to work and have spent the last three hours compiling and putting squeaky clean touches on the first half of a two-part final.
Ugh, like I said I can't go into detail on this (maybe after I turn it in and get my grade back, if it's still topical, I'll post the details about it then.) But I'm happy about this because I get to squeeze a little creativity into this final.. which I've done on this first half. And I'm thinking of something cool for the second half.
With over 24 hours to spare before I have to turn in both parts of this final, I'm feeling good :) But I still have to squeeze in more work for other classes this weekend. Presentation on Monday. Trial Practice Final Monday night. Doing some study prep for upcoming review sessions.
I've also got to wake up early tomorrow for a three-hour semi-mandatory bar prep thing. And I also want-need to go to the gym, tonight.. probably in about an hour. So I'm going to set myself up to start on part 2 of this take-home, hit the gym, and curl up with the Bruce Jenner 20/20 interview when I get home (while doing little bits of work on this final during the commercial break). Update: 4/25 just after midnight:
So I would say I'm 85% done with this take-home final. I'm at the point where everything is on the page that I think should be on the page, but I need to spend time going over things and checking to see if I have any loose ends. Getting ready to pass out now so that I can wake up "early" tomorrow for the thing that I gotta do for the...zzzzzzzz..... Update: 4/25: late afternoon:
Take home final is DONE and turned in!!! Now I have to do: Presentation for Monday (only needs to be 10 minutes long so shouldn't be awful), Prepare for in-class final Monday night, get things together for review sessions on Tuesday/Wednesday.
OH and I also have to do the darn school newspaper before the month ends. -_-
Even though I was able to push through with this first final, I feel like I haven't kicked into "marathon mode" yet..... Update: 4/25 evening:
Working on my presentation. It's supposed to be about investing in gold. The class is corporate finance so I've been learning all semester about stocks and bonds and balance sheets and present and future values and all kinds of stuff-- it's the first time I've purchased a special calculator for a class since 2007.
I picked the topic of gold thinking there was something super complex and amazing to it. In the context of a class like this, it really isn't that complex. There's this price for gold that's set by the people who want to trade gold. And you buy a 1 oz coin of gold for that price. So in the context of a class where market value of stocks is based on intrinsic values of companies which is estimated by experts reviewing pages-long balance sheets and financial statements...... Eh nope. Not this. We, as humans, just feel like gold is special, and we pay $X for it. And we've got gold. And if we want, we can sell it for $Y. Oh, and Warren Buffet thinks investing in gold is stupid because gold can't actively turn a profit like a business can. I'll probably get brownie points for menitoning Warren Buffet.
...The presentation has to be 10 minutes long.. I can't end there, right? So now I'm on the verge of an existential crisis trying to pinpoint the moment in time in our human history where we decided to place a value on gold (or any currency) for any sort of concrete reason. And then I have to switch from history and philosophy to science to see that one supporting reason-- although not THE reason-- why gold is valued is because it's an inert, relatively rare metal. Doesn't rust, easy to smelt, heavy, and out of all the elements of the periodic table, Au is, chemically, the most ideal element to create a valuable currency from, with silver and copper coming in 2nd and 3rd, respectively.
But now we have our fiat currencies and the gold standard has been eliminated in almost every country... so why do people want to buy a 1 oz gold bullion coin for $1,200?
The only financially sound reason leads me to come up with ideas worthy of conspiracy
.. and yet, as the kind of person who is always expecting worst-case scenarios, it makes total and complete sense to me so I don't knock anybody for thinking this way... in the history of fiat currency, fiat currencies will go up and down in value and sometimes, eventually become worthless. But through it all, gold retains value internationally-- the value fluctuates, but it never falls anywhere near into oblivion.. the price remains relatively high. So one day, when the US dollar crumbles and the economies of the world are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, the people with gold bullion will still have something that's worth something because.. well.. refer to the above paragraphs. lol
...typing all this out has really just been a practice in whatever it is I'm gonna say on Monday. I don't know how much farther I can take this topic... Update 4/26 early afternoon:
So I was stupid last night and the rabbit hole I went down with my gold research lead to me taking a fresh look at bitcoin. Wow. So.. a while back, when Bitcoin was trading above $600 or so, I had used faucets and got 0.015 bitcoin saved up. At one point, that much was worth $15 USD or so. It was basically beer money. I mostly used faucets.
And it's funny because when bitcoin used to only be about $5 USD, this random Bitcoin twitter account paid me 1 BTC to write a poem about bitcoin. WOW. and I ended up just giving that away as donations to friends.
So I looked back into bitcoin and the faucets I used to use and realized that these days, the faucet payout is higher. So I spent quite a bit of time in the wee hours last night fauceting bitcoin. I didn't fall asleep until 4 am (d'oh!). So I woke up today around 1 pm.
I'm trying not to feel bad about it. After all I woke up early yesterday and didn't take a nap to even things out. On the days I don't have to wake up early, I'll sleep in until 11 or 12.. so this isn't that bad. And I did get my final done yesterday.
So that's behind me. Maybe I can start fauceting again when I'm done with finals. But okay. We're done with that now. Back to focusing...
...this final I have Monday night is a team project. I woke up to texts from a teammate asking me for comments and suggestions on his part. So I went into his google doc and made my comments. Now I have to do my part which is to write a script, basically.. I've only written an outline.. I've written a script like this before and I know, once I start and it flows, it keeps flowing... Ugh.. can't quite get to the flow, yet..........
..Maybe I just need more coffee? :-/ Update 4/26 early evening:
Took a coffee break and sat to talk to my mom for a while about my school work. She started talking about a party she went to last night with dad. I asked her how they got invited to the party (what the connection was) and she went on a long tangent about the party without directly answering the question.
See, my Monday night final, I have to do a direct examination. Essentially, you ask a fairly open-ended question but you prep your client ahead of time to give a pretty precise answer and prep them so that they DON'T go on a tangent. That's the script I've been working on...
...so I tell my mom she would make a horrible direct examination witness because I asked her one simple question and she went on a tangent that had nothing to do with my question. She was like, this is what your dad and I have always fought over for the last 30+ years. You think just like him. lol.
And it's true. I was raised in a direct examination/cross examination environment. My dad never pushed my to be a lawyer, I decided to be that on my own, but he inadvertently trained me for two decades to think like a trial lawyer questioning a witness. Although my training was in the form of me being that witness.. the witness who got a bad grade or didn't do her chores or the witness who needed help with homework or wanted to talk about education plans. If you don't answer a question a certain way with my dad, a conversation that a normal person would think should only last 5-10 minutes could turn into a 3-hour ordeal. I'm not exaggerating. And my dad didn't raise us that way by design, it's just the way he handled things with us.
...funny when I decided to use this reddit post as my little finals period venting post, I didn't think I'd start unpacking my childhood or my bitcoin fetish or an existential journey though the history of monetary exchange... Update 4/26 nighttime:
I'm trying to give myself a break by watching my regular Sunday Night shows.. Once Upon a Time and Secrets and Lies. My phone is blowing up with texts from a teammate asking me to help him with his part of Monday night's final.
OH NO OH NO RIGHT AS I'M WATCHING TV I SEE BEN CRAWFORD IS GOOGLING BIPOLAR DISORDER. DAMNIT, ABC, AND RISPERDONE... OHHH NOOO. NO NO NO NO NO F** YOU ABC DO NOT PIN TOM'S MURDER ON BIPOLAR DISORDER.
Anyway, after three years of law school, it's been a struggle, but I've more or less mastered the art of thinking twice-- or three times-- before I send off a text or email. This is especially helpful if somebody starts getting annoying or gets me upset. It's an exercise in "professionalism" and if you don't learn it by the time you're sworn in with the bar, it can cause you some problems in the teamwork arena. Text communication is a damn art.
NO F** YOU ABC DON'T MAKE THIS ABOUT JESS HAVING BIPOLAR AND NOT TAKING HER PILLS. GOD DAMNIT.
...Sorry, that was totally topical. I'm literally watching Secrets and Lies while I type this. If you watch the show, it'll make sense to you lol.
So I'm getting a flood of texts from these teammates asking me for their help. I'm the type of person who usually only communicates with a team to make sure logistics are worked out. I'm usually not asking the team for help on things that are minute details that I should be working out myself. And now one of my teammates is hitting me up asking me to do just that.
Option 1: DUDE I CANNOT HELP YOU RIGHT NOW I HAVE MY OWN PART OF THE PROJECT TO WORK ON PLUS ANOTHER PRESENTATION TO WORK ON. (And I say Option 1 because this is usually the visceral immediate reaction)
Option 2: Read his texts with my full attention (when there's a commercial break) and respond with my advice to help him.
I've been doing Option 2 all day.. all weekend, really. I even just made him a video to give him a comprehensive critique of his part of the presentation which he's written out and shared on google docs. I'm SO SO close to switching to Option 1.
Sigh.. Update 4/27 Afternoon:
Finished my presentation. On to the next... Update 4/28 After midnight:
Two finals down. Flugh.
I got to a point tonight where I just wanted to get my part of the team-assigned final done and teleport home. At one point during a direct exam on the other side, the guy next to me who was about to do cross-- the same guy who was constantly texting me for help all weekend-- whispered in my ear and was like "so how do you think I should address what he just said in my cross?"
Like, okay, maybe I should be flattered, right? This guy is asking me for advice on this stuff which probably means he values my opinion. But at this point, I was just DONE. I can't THINK for you right now, bro. I just kind of waved my hands and told him "I don't even know, man."
Then I do my part which was a direct examination. I wrote a script for it and sent it to my "witness" ahead of time so he could get a good read through of it and it could go smoothly. I guess you can put some blame on me here for not trying a little more to practice with this guy, but he is a mutual friend of a lot of us in this class and he had played this exact same "witness" part for the other team last week. He didn't do awful but there were a lot of times where he was tripping over words and it felt like he might have been reading the thing for the first time.
He was probably just as exhausted as I was, but it just wasn't making things much easier. I got through the thing. There were a lot of amazing gems I had written in this script and he just didn't perform them the way I had hoped so again-- that's partly on me for not practising beforehand. But I'm glad he did it and helped. Always better to have somebody than nobody and without him, I would've had nobody.
Then later on with a different witness, the opposing side got up to do cross. I won't go into the details but they tried to introduce evidence that they knew or should've known was allowed in-- I tried to do exactly what they did last week and was turned down. So I made an objection. And in part I was annoyed because it was like-- you guys knew I wasn't going to allow this (we exchanged this in a stipulation memo last week) and you knew I wasn't able to do this last week. And they tried it anyway. But it was more than that-- it was just the whole weekend and all the anxiety of working on a team on top of having to do a presentation earlier the same day.. oye. And now you're gonna try to introduce evidence that even I wasn't allowed to get in. So my objection came out bitchy. My professor later characterized it as me sounding like I thought everyone in the room is stupid. Okay, I get that perception and there's no use arguing but at the same time it's like, I'm done. I'm just done.
I know it's a lot to ask everybody else to see things the way I see them, but for five fucking seconds can I get a break?
There was a redeeming moment, I guess. Another teammate had asked us to make comments on his closing. I did. He basically nixed all of my comments without making a single change to his "script" or even acknowledging what I was saying. And I mean that's fine, that's how he wants to do it. But I've had a history of working with this guy and he'll be MIA on the group project and then all the sudden last minute pops up and throws all of his suggestions at us too late and didn't pay attention to all the things we had already said. So seeing him just nix all my comments just added on to the 50 pound weight on my head. But then at the end of his argument, he did make ONE change that I had suggested. It was a fairly technical one but it signaled to me, "you were right on this one, and I'm doing it your way."
That was a nice 5 seconds.
At the end of the night and a long round of comments from the professor, we had to sign in on the attendance sheets (ABA law schools are weirdly strict on attendance records and you've got to write your john hancock on a sheet every class session). So I go up to sign and look up at the professor and he says good job and shakes my hand and gives me a wink. One of those "you did all right and i know that you know that i know that you know that you'll end up all right out there" That was another nice 5 seconds.
So I'm exhausted. And it's not over. I don't have to face another final until Saturday but I've got to go to review sessions that are semi-mandatory and require me to do practice exams if I want to show up.
At least I can sleep in a little tomorrow... Update 4/29 wee hours:
I spent the whole day prepping for a review class then I went to that review class and that was basically my day. Tomorrow will be similar and then I get to really get into the marathon.
Also, today was the official last day of classes which translates to me officially fulfilling by ABA class attendance obligations for graduation. I celebrated with lobster mac and cheese and a cupcake.
I think I may desparately need an extra 48 hours to study. Thing is, I've gotten by on less. I just need to figure out out I'm going to compact better....
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